Taking off in the MBA Flight

In the beginning of the movie Batman Begins, when Bruce Wayne finally scales the mountain and reaches Ra's al Ghul, he is huffing and panting.

Ra’s: Are you ready to begin?

Bruce: I… I can barely stand.

And then he gets kicked to the ground. A couple of more blows later, Bruce finally starts to defend himself, puts up a fight, and eventually faints.

This is the welcome a b-school gives to you, once you scale the mountain called CAT.

I wasn’t oblivious to this. I have heard friends talk about it. Most of you must’ve heard this too. But it’s not the same thing. It’s like the Matrix; you can’t be told what it is, you have to see it for yourself.

The first couple of weeks aren’t so bad though, when the only thing turning up the heat on you is the Sun. You walk around in campus, and survey the crowds for what IT guys would call leads and opportunities. There is an aroma of new found freedom in the air, and a proclivity towards being irresponsible. 

And then out of nowhere, you are expected to be athletes. A multitude of races are laid in front of you, and your mind starts to spin.

Clubs. Committees. Presentations. Exams. Competitions. CV. Placements. Placements. Placements.

On the very first day, I remember a line from the induction ceremony: “Most of you here; your lives have been graced with success till now. But beware; a lot of you will experience failure here in some way or the other.”

His words started making sense soon enough.

The feeling of complete worthlessness is a phase through which almost every MBA student has to pass. Regardless of what you have achieved before b-school, or how inhumanly talented you are, you will break. There is no escaping it. Winning all the races is out of question.

Yet the fact that some seemingly do better than others is undeniable. Some have that extra spurt of energy for whatever they do. In fact, experienced folks start feeling like a hundred years old, when kids fresh out of grad school run around and speak with over-exuberance. “Who’s that jumpy kid? I hate that bastard.”

Needless to say, extroverts run riot. Poor introverts, especially those who lack self-esteem, are left to question if they even deserve being here. I belong to the latter, and ended up with zero club/committee selections. A couple of selection tasks required me to online propaganda, or write boring articles with fancy words so that it is apt for a newspaper. I blatantly refused. In fact, most tasks will make you ask yourself, “Do I really want to do this? Is this really my thing?” Most of the people do it anyway. While some merely believe they can do it, others would see the incentive – CV points.

The importance of CV points is understandable, when you realize that your batch is full of people like you. It’s not class 9^th anymore, where you were the only one who could speak amazingly fluent English, or write poetry, play football, or play guitar, or have 90+ percent marks in 10^th and 12^th standard. Or even have all of the above. (Actually, not having 90+ percent marks is a crime you’ll pay dearly for throughout this life and the next seven or eight lives.)

I digress. Having gone through the turmoil of this first term, with an internship secured for next summer, I have realized one thing. One may call it a cliché, but that’s why they’re called clichés. They’re lessons we need to learn again and again.

What we have on our resumes doesn’t differentiate us. It’s our attitude that does.

MBA teaches us this critical lesson. Everyone’s paths will be crossed by falls and failure, regardless of your resume. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve broken down like a child myself. But I did not lose faith, thanks to the unbelievable support of my parents. When it mattered, especially during the summer placements, I had it together. It’s what Yoda from Star Wars would call the Force. The invisible shield that acts as a cocoon against all fear, doubt and disbelief; and keeps moving forward.

A word ought to be said about the people. We humans have always shown great unity in adversity, and it is no different for Term 1. Every 1^st year would agree that the seniors made a phenomenal effort to ease our burden, and we’re all encouraged to follow suit next year for our successors.

Life in MBA till now has been like an aircraft taking off, without its passengers wearing seatbelts. Our insides have been properly shaken and stirred, and the plane is now stabilizing into an auto-pilot mode. Hereon, we can either take control and choose our destiny, or sit back and stick with the auto-pilot.

Hereon, the world is at our feet. 

The Wait

I first saw her last December , on a cool Mumbai evening.

It was love at first sight.

No, it wasn't a girl. 

It was Interstellar.

Actually it was just the first teaser trailer. But it was enough for me. This is where my story begins.

For countless reasons, only some of which are fathomable, I haven't been able to write for this whole year, barring the one time in February. Needless to say, it has been a difficult time.

Like I said, it was December, and I had already given CAT, along with a bunch of others for getting into a B-school. None of them were promising enough for me to be hopeful. And this was my second and last attempt. Adding to it, I'd been told I won't get promoted with the rest of my buddies at work. That was the sacrifice I'd made for CAT.

 Staring into depths of an uncertain future, I came across this trailer. When I shared it on facebook, this was the caption:

Come what may in 2014 - I will absorb everything, and wait. Because now I can take it.

People often talk about their happy place. When times were bad for me, I'd say to myself, "Don't worry. Whatever happens, Man United have a game to play next week."

After watching this trailer, I had the same feeling. As long of Christopher Nolan is making movies, it's a reason to live for. 

I know it sounds crazy and perhaps melodramatic. Perhaps not to those who know me and my relationship with movies. But this year long wait for Interstellar got me through countless times of fear, anxiety, and uncertainty. 

Without going into details, I'll just say this: Most people I've met tell me emotional sensitivity is a weakness. But it really isn't. If you believe in good, then no matter how many times you break, you'll always find a way to heal, rise, and come back stronger.

So when today, 7th November arrived, the expectations had grown like an avalanche with every trailer, every moment, every breath.

THE BIG DAY

Ideally I'd have gone for the first show, but my mid-term exams were to conclude today. I spent 1200 bucks (for any foreigners reading this, it's actually rupees. We call them bucks to sound cool) on the ticket. This came as a shock to those here who don't know me that well. 

1. I was going alone, and 

2. I'd spent 1200 friggin' bucks on a movie ticket.

I had barely submitted my last answer sheet, and half my friends had already gathered and galloped to drink, who I'd have joined on any other day.

But then, today wasn't just any other day.

I have never, ever in my whole life, waited so longingly for anything. 

After throwing away the useless question paper and opening my wardrobe, a thought hit me: I'm gonna go dressed up for Interstellar. I couldn't help but smile at my own passionate insanity. Perhaps you now understand, why I was doing this alone. This was a date.

On my way to the movies, adrenaline was now starting to build up. Let's speed up that process, and make this story a perfect circle. Open phone --> Open video player --> There's only one video. 

And there she was, the teaser trailer.

Four hours later, I wonder - how many times does this happen in life? You wait a painstakingly long 11 months for the perfect day - and when you finally experience it, you find that perfect isn't even the perfect word?

To watch a movie is human, but a Nolan...divine

Infinity

I am floating. Flying. Drifting.

The feeling is that of weightlessness.

Gravity is not the only thing that drags us down. We all have our baggage, and get weighed down by several things.

Sandra Bullock, in "Gravity":  One can literally touch the serenity in this scene.

Alcohol, cigarettes, and substance abuse is done by many all over the world to feel free again, from the gut-wrenching pains of life. To feel weightless.

This post doesn't attempt to discourage any of those things. It is merely something else I did last week, when I felt down and out.

Every now and then we slip into negative spirals over the most trivial of things. I slip a little more than normal people, but I have become more and more adept at getting back up.

Last week was such a case. Down and down I went, into the self-loathing phase where even your walk betrays your mood, what with the hunched shoulders. Nothing looked even vaguely fascinating.

Then I picked up a book. And another. And another. Then I decided to watch the most compelling movies of 2013.

The change was quite evident. I felt like having met my long lost friends after years and years. The conscience began to take steps upward. Have you seen a wailing baby, and how it stops only if it's held by its mother? It felt like that.

Once you start moving upwards, you get these amazing ideas. No, not like discovering electricity. They are more like impulses, with a very positive ring to them. This Saturday for instance, I felt this incredible urge to go meet a close friend, who I hadn't met for a couple of months. That's progress, dear readers.

I have this annual tradition of trying to watch all the Oscar nominated movies before the awards are actually given out. Not that I am biased to like only the nominated films. It's just that we in India hear about only the commercially successful films. Anyway, back to the story.

Sunday arrived, and I decided to watch "Rush" the moment I woke up. In this surreal string of movies, I thought some disappointment is in store. Surely the next one can't be any better? But the bar just kept going higher.

"Her" was one of the nine nominated movies, available only in one theater in Mumbai. There was a 1.30 PM show, and a 11 PM show.
The theater was a good 20 kms away.
The clock said 12.30 PM.

Inside my head:

"Sure, the obvious choice is 11 PM now. The night will be cooler to travel, and it's too late to go for the 1.30 show now. 
Or is it?
I need 15 mins to get ready. Which means I'm likely to reach around 1.45, and miss the first 10-15 mins. 
No way.
Or yes way? How about it ? Kishore Pisapati vs Mumbai Traffic.. Kishore and the incredible race against time.. 
..
.....
Get ready, idiot!
It's now or never."

I got off the train at Dadar, and my watch read 1.25. Music was pumping into my earphones, and the track was an adrenaline upping one. I still had to travel 10 mins by cab from the highway outside the station.

Of course, the journey had obstacles. And time was running out. How else would it be fun? Bring it, Dadar.

And so I started to run.

People, peddlers, people, flower baskets, vegetables, garbage, people, people, etc were some of the obstacles. I swerved between and past them with mesmerizing speed. The music had a telling effect.

I took my seat at 1.45, and the movie began two minutes later.

That run was a spiritual experience in some ways. During that run, I had a revelation. I remembered how Jake Sully felt when he first ran in his Avatar, in the movie Avatar. 

You see, it wasn't the physical speed of the body that mattered. It was the mere act of running, and the context, which made me feel like I was flying.

It was weightlessness. To run, without a care in the world. I knew I was out of the pit.

People often give their own definitions to scientific terms, and here's me defining the term 'infinite'.

Infinite is the number of things you can do to enjoy life, at any time, in any circumstances.

The run was an act of passion for my love, the movies. And love needs to be shown, not just felt.

Remember what I said the bar getting raised by the movies I was watching in fast succession? It was hence unfathomable, that any movie could top Rush on the same day. 

"Her" did. It was beautiful.

Infinite is the extent to which you can feel, and live.

No conditions applied.

The Price of Benevolence

People often say that the Mumbai local is the lifeline of the city. But since I don't need to travel long distances on a daily basis, I seem to have developed a similar relationship with the Mumbai Auto.

This isn't to say that every single auto-ride is a memorable one. We have a tendency to pay lesser attention to things we do regularly. But the outlier is always lurking close by, unbeknownst to us. This particular anecdote is one of those outliers.

It was an overcast morning, and I was lost in one of my reveries as the auto honked and swerved towards my destination. In a matter of minutes, it was time to alight. The meter read 21 rupees.

"Bhaiyya yeh lo 20 rs. Ek rupiah kam hai, chalega?"
(Here's 20 bucks. Is it okay? I don't have a rupee's change)

"Haan, haan.. chalega"
(Will do.)

And then he started off saying about money and change - I was too self-involved to pay particular attention. But as I was putting back the wallet in my pocket, I kept politely nodding along.

Suddenly, he whipped out all the money he had and showed it to me - whilst I heard the words "mera beta", and "hospital", and "700 rs injection". I could make out the rest, as you can too.

I looked at him properly. I could sense he was flustered when had stopped midway to quickly repair something in the auto.

Instinctively, I pulled out a hundred rupee note and handed it over without reluctance. He fell at my knees, eyes full of tears, with gratitude. I told him to rush to his son and take care of him. And he left.

For the first few seconds, I felt good. As any normal person should, when he/she has been of value someone in need. Great need.

But then I felt a stab of disappointment at myself, and this feeling has persisted.

There was a 500 rupee note in my wallet as well.

I may differ from general consensus here, but I have never really cared much about money. One might say "Who does, as long as it keeps coming?". True, perhaps. I don't count myself a big spender. Nevertheless, at that particular point of time, 500 rupees was not even a pinprick. So why did I hesitate?

There is the possibility, as one might argue - that he was lying. And taking that possibility into account, 100 rupees was probably the right amount. But this was not the the thought process in my head.

I remember seeing a couple or more notes of 100 rupees, and I thought this would suffice. Not for a second did I believe he was lying. Especially not after seeing him break down like that.

How many times do we ignore beggars and peddlers, on the streets and railway stations? How many hundreds of times have we intentionally walked away or shooed them brusquely?

But this was an autowallah. A man with a seemingly honest profession. It would've taken something of monumental importance for him to abandon his self-respect and ask for money.

Then the worst possible thought occurred to me - what if those few hundred rupees was the difference between his son's life and death? Wouldn't it be blood on my hands? True, I am not responsible for his illness - but I was offered the chance to save his life.

I hope you get my meaning here. I'm not the kind of person who would go to orphanages and dedicate my life to making theirs easier. But that doesn't mean I'm not humanitarian.

I don't think it is possible to draw a line on "doing good". Would anything ever be enough? No matter how much you give, there'll be something more you can do. Something more to offer. But I am neither Midas, nor my wallet is of gold.

This feeling - arising out of the eternal difference between people's needs, and our capacities - this guilt - is what I call the price of benevolence.

Peace is Now.

I am at so much peace. It's no surprise I feel like writing now, after such a long time.

Leaning on two pillows propped up on a comfortable bed, I'm living one of my childhood dreams. It's a hotel room, with just me and my stuff in it. Music is playing in full volume on my speakers, and not my earphones. The air conditioning is in my control, just like the music volume, lights and the TV channel.

I don't need my earphones and the app called 'Relax N Sleep' to sleep, for a change. I can sleep whenever I like, and wake up whenever I like, feeling great. 

Whenever I went to hill stations or beaches with my family, I had this crazy fantasy to just lie in my room for a whole day. Away from noise, tourists, pictures - everything.

You, my dear reader, may not understand this, but as disappointing and pathetic as it sounds, this is the first time in many, many years I've felt in total and utter control of my life. 

I realize all this may well be painting me as a sorry ass figure, but fuck that. Fuck that.

My entire life has been about adjusting. To circumstances, to people - to the whole world, wherever I go. I hate myself for it, but I'm one of those people who'd go to any lengths to avoid conflict. Some people can't stand spiders, I can't stand conflict. 95% of my energy goes into putting those conflicts to bay, every single day. Every single fucking day.

But now I realize, after 23 years, that this freedom I'm feeling right now - doesn't come for free. You have to fight for it. Be a doormat, and the world will not only walk over you, it will rub off its dirty shoes on you as well.

I've discovered new, and rediscovered a few friends as well, on this business trip. I marvel at how amazing some people are, really. I marvel more at how much time and energy I spend trying to shake someone's hand by force, and miss out on so many extended hands already outstretched.

It's a whole buffet out there. If the spring roll sucks, trying it with ten different sauces will not change that. Look past that spring roll, and you'll see the garlic bread, fried idli and fruit custard calling out to you, with open arms.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that my hotel stay will end this week, just like everything else. But now is not the time to think about the future. The only time to think about the future, is the future itself. This freedom, this peace, this control - whatever you call it, is in this moment. Quoting about the value of Now is one thing, knowing it is another. Having tasted and felt it in its full force, I feel better prepared for stepping out of this room.
Let tomorrow come.

Aan do.

To Coldplay with Love

Dear Coldplay,

I feel like a little kid thanking JK Rowling for Harry Potter. But even though you're not JKR and I'm not a little kid, my gratitude is as innocent, sincere and heartfelt.

The first song of yours I heard was Viva la Vida, since I had read about it winning a Grammy. I'll be honest, I didn't think much of it back then. Little did I know that a few months down the line, you were going to change my life forever.

The day I heard Clocks, my opinion changed completely. Chris Martin, Sir, there is a certain effortlessness in your voice, so mystifying that it relaxes me instantly. The same goes for  Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland and Will Champion. The piano, guitar and drums just compound the effect.

I may not know much about music, or what exactly you intended with the lyrics of your songs. What I do know that when I listen to Coldplay, every negative thought I have in my mind is wiped out. Just like that. The smile on a kid's face, the hues of the sky, the warmth of the morning sunshine - my world is suddenly alight with infinite beauty all around. There's a skip in every step I take, and a smile in every breath I take.
In fact, when I listen to 'Every Teardrop is a Waterfall', I literally dance home from work, no matter how my day was.


I love 'Paradise' so much, both the video and the song. There is a simplicity to it which fills every cell of my body with positivity.

In  'Death and all His friends', when you go 'so come over, just be patient, and don't worry..', I feel as if God is talking to me. I don't believe in prayers, shrines or deities, but I believe in you, Coldplay. I believe no matter how hard my life is right now, no matter how bad things are going for me, it is going to get better, and there is no stopping it.

So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much ! I doubt any of you realize how much you inspire people, not just me.

Today, on World Music Day, I dedicate all the good I've done and felt in the last few months to you guys. You have, with or without intending to do so, given me hope when I needed it the most, made me make the right choices in tough times, and shown just how beautiful life is.

Love,
One of your biggest fans

Thinking matters.

The inspiration to write comes to various people in various ways. For me, it comes when I have a really happy spike in my graph of life, or when I am blessed with a brilliant epiphany. This post is a result of a bit of both.

People who've been in touch with me recently know that I'm coming out of some tough times. I am tempted to use the word 'harrowing', but that seems like needless exaggeration now.

Everyone faces problems. It doesn't matter if you're the richest, wisest or strongest person on earth. You WILL face problems one way or the other.

I have a habit of overthinking, like I've mentioned in one of my previous posts. So I had this issue with my landlord, which was easy bait for my worrying head. It kept on amplifying it until it showed on my face, my work, and everything I do.

Most people told me I was being my usual paranoid self and I should stop worrying - the standard advice. Unsurprisingly, it didn't work for me. Knuckleheads like me need something eccentric to get shaken off the paranoia.

Whilst these crazy times, I watched Midnight in Paris. The next day, I couldn't help thinking about Owen Wilson, and how his idea of a book meant more than anything to him, to the extent of leading him to hallucinate about it. I marveled at how a man could get possessed by a singular thought and let it bring the best out of him. And that's when it hit me.


If there's one thing I learnt from the movie, it's that there are just too many things to think about in this world, of which only some matter. The rest are inconsequential.


I looked back at my thoughts over the past weeks, and realised how little it mattered, and how stupid I had been. That very moment I made a decision, and put it immediately out of my head.


If you give something a lot more thought than it needs, it will spread from your head like a virus throughout your body. If you let it, it will destroy you, like it almost did me. Trust me, I am not joking. An unpleasant thought can be more dangerous than any virus or bacteria. You might have Hrithik Roshan's abs or be Kareena Kapoor's nutritionist, but your physical health means squat if you're mentally unhealthy.


So just close your eyes for a moment, and think about everything that's worrying you right now. Now think again.


Would it really matter if you're unable to impress that girl?
If you lost a phone worth 30 grand, would crying about it get the phone back?
Are bad grades worth getting into chronic depression?


It might be easy for me to say it, but such thoughts are just not worth it. YOU are not worth it.
Sachin didn't utter a single word throughout the 100 centuries' drama, until he actually made it. Contrary to what people might say, I believe he's been able to do it because of his love for the game and the country. If he would've let the media and fans get to him more than it did, he'd have retired a long time back. But he never has, and never will.


Great people have achieved what they have, because they thought about the right things. They figured out what matters and what doesn't, which made all the difference.


Let your passion be the centre of your life, not your problems.

A little change of heart

When I first started blogging, I didn't really know what to write about. Not that I have the greatest ideas nowadays, but the purpose has changed, and so have I.

The 'How I met my Employer' series definitely takes the cake, having given it a novel-like feel. But some posts were, now that I think about it, a little controversial and narrowminded. It was about justifying my own opinions, all the time.

Mumbai has taught me to respect a wider range of thoughts and choices. The diversity of people never ceases to amaze me. Ask someone what they think of a movie: you're likely to get five different opinions from five different people. Chances are you might find it disturbing: that someone loved Ra.One, or hated Black Swan, or liked 'Mere Brother ki Dulhan'. You might also judge people for supporting a club you hate, or listening to Justin 
Bieber.


All this used to bother me a lot before, and I talked to an esoteric group of people. A few weeks before, I was at the back of a cab with my friends from college, who'd come to visit me in Mumbai. We were discussing about which movie to watch, and at some point I suggested Agneepath, which was met by laughter laced with contempt and mockery. "Dude, since when did you start watching Hindi Movies?", one of them asked. I told them I'd watched most movies in recent times, including Ra.One, Rockstar, The Dirty Picture etc. 


They couldn't believe it. The guy, who enjoyed delving into the psychologically thought provoking depths of cinema, watching all this?

Yes. I think I've learnt to enjoy Bollywood movies. But does this mean that I just watch movies for entertainment, and no longer enjoy intellectually challenging movies? Absolutely not.

So what changed?


There's a song in the movie, 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind', and it goes like this:

"Change your heart
Look around you
Change your heart
It will astound you.."

That's exactly what happened to me recently, and it's not just about the movies.

The more restricted your thoughts and opinions are, the more black and white the world will look to you. It's upto you how you like the world.

I didn't know it was this colorful.


Try being okay with something you weren't before, and see how much color it brings. Start with the little things, like a hindi movie, or dancing in a party..anything. It might even be the likes and dislikes of someone. If that girl isn't into oscar winning movies, or doesn't look sophisticated enough, then deal with it. You might suddenly notice how curiously enchanting her eyes are, or how wonderfully charming her simplicity is.

If you give it enough time, you'll begin to look for the brighter side in every little thing, and it will soon become a way of life.


This Valentine's day, I may not have had a special someone, but I've started to fall in love with this world. All with a little change of heart.


The beauty of life is, no matter how good or bad it already is, you don't know how much better it can be.


Go add some color.

Just Relax

Time and again you hear stories or watch movies where some major incident happens to someone, in total randomness, and somehow changes that person's life.

It's been six months in Mumbai now, and looking back at 2011, the contrast between the first and second half of the year has been stupendous for me.


While there wasn't a single person to talk to in the first, I've been surrounded by so many ever since Mumbai happened. Heck, I was meeting five different people everyday for the first couple of weeks.


If I could, I'd place a ruler on the screen, draw a vertical line and state the differences like a question for five marks. But I won't go into details here as I'm pretty sure people know what living in Mumbai means. It's different for me since I jumped so suddenly from Baroda to Bombay, much like an atom from the innermost shell to the outermost one. (I thought I should include atleast one geeky joke to remind myself that I'm actually an engineer)


This is a city of a wonderful plethora of people, and I have really enjoyed being a part of the lives of some very special people.

For many a year now, I've been constantly told that I think too much. These people I'm talking about have carried on that tradition as well.


Some of us just can't help it. We just have the tendency to overthink every little thing. You hear words like 'Just Chill', 'Abe senti kyun ho raha hai', 'Dude just relax..', and it can be really irritating. But after yesterday, I simply have to accept that those words make sense.


It was a typical Friday evening. The five of us hadn't had a fun friday together for a while, what with people going home or elsewhere for Christmas and New year's eve. We were going in groups of two and three, me being one of the two.


Time and traffic were in plenty, and random trains of thought led the two of us to talk about career, what we're doing, what we want... you know the story. The auto driver pulled the brakes awkwardly in the middle of a highway, since a Santro was standing as well.


Moments later, we heard a loud screech of brakes, then crash. Before we could figure out why exactly the car was stopped there, another rammed into the rear of our vehicle, knocking us halfway off our seats. And as we were spontaneously figuring out how to react, there was another series of screech, crash and jerk.


Since this isn't a movie, I don't have to explain and describe the shouting and arguing that ensued, so I'll get straight to the point: There wasn't much damage done to the vehicles, and everyone escaped unscathed.


Okay, I didn't exactly escape impending death here. But I don't want to wait for an actual fatal incident and other drama to come walking by and change my life. I'd rather make the best of what's already happened.

What it did was bring out a simple and obvious truth: You may think you're the most normal person in the world, reading weird scary stuff in the papers everyday, thinking surely that's never gonna happen to me. You might have planned every second of your life for the next ten years.


But the fact is, all that can be obliterated in a millisecond, without you sensing it coming at all.


All week I've been depressed because everyone seems to know what they're doing, and I don't even know what I want. Yesterday was definitely a hint.


Before anything else, I want to live.


And when I say this, I don't mean that every single minute I'm thinking, 'OMG I could die anytime. I'll just do/say what I want today!'


What I mean is, one needs to draw a line. Sometimes we forget this and overthink.
But from now on, I'll make a conscious effort to just relax. I never made any new year resolutions before, this looks like a good one to start with.

Happy New Year everyone! :)

2012: The first of hopefully many fridays :)