Infinity

I am floating. Flying. Drifting.

The feeling is that of weightlessness.

Gravity is not the only thing that drags us down. We all have our baggage, and get weighed down by several things.

Sandra Bullock, in "Gravity":  One can literally touch the serenity in this scene.

Alcohol, cigarettes, and substance abuse is done by many all over the world to feel free again, from the gut-wrenching pains of life. To feel weightless.

This post doesn't attempt to discourage any of those things. It is merely something else I did last week, when I felt down and out.

Every now and then we slip into negative spirals over the most trivial of things. I slip a little more than normal people, but I have become more and more adept at getting back up.

Last week was such a case. Down and down I went, into the self-loathing phase where even your walk betrays your mood, what with the hunched shoulders. Nothing looked even vaguely fascinating.

Then I picked up a book. And another. And another. Then I decided to watch the most compelling movies of 2013.

The change was quite evident. I felt like having met my long lost friends after years and years. The conscience began to take steps upward. Have you seen a wailing baby, and how it stops only if it's held by its mother? It felt like that.

Once you start moving upwards, you get these amazing ideas. No, not like discovering electricity. They are more like impulses, with a very positive ring to them. This Saturday for instance, I felt this incredible urge to go meet a close friend, who I hadn't met for a couple of months. That's progress, dear readers.

I have this annual tradition of trying to watch all the Oscar nominated movies before the awards are actually given out. Not that I am biased to like only the nominated films. It's just that we in India hear about only the commercially successful films. Anyway, back to the story.

Sunday arrived, and I decided to watch "Rush" the moment I woke up. In this surreal string of movies, I thought some disappointment is in store. Surely the next one can't be any better? But the bar just kept going higher.

"Her" was one of the nine nominated movies, available only in one theater in Mumbai. There was a 1.30 PM show, and a 11 PM show.
The theater was a good 20 kms away.
The clock said 12.30 PM.

Inside my head:

"Sure, the obvious choice is 11 PM now. The night will be cooler to travel, and it's too late to go for the 1.30 show now. 
Or is it?
I need 15 mins to get ready. Which means I'm likely to reach around 1.45, and miss the first 10-15 mins. 
No way.
Or yes way? How about it ? Kishore Pisapati vs Mumbai Traffic.. Kishore and the incredible race against time.. 
..
.....
Get ready, idiot!
It's now or never."

I got off the train at Dadar, and my watch read 1.25. Music was pumping into my earphones, and the track was an adrenaline upping one. I still had to travel 10 mins by cab from the highway outside the station.

Of course, the journey had obstacles. And time was running out. How else would it be fun? Bring it, Dadar.

And so I started to run.

People, peddlers, people, flower baskets, vegetables, garbage, people, people, etc were some of the obstacles. I swerved between and past them with mesmerizing speed. The music had a telling effect.

I took my seat at 1.45, and the movie began two minutes later.

That run was a spiritual experience in some ways. During that run, I had a revelation. I remembered how Jake Sully felt when he first ran in his Avatar, in the movie Avatar. 

You see, it wasn't the physical speed of the body that mattered. It was the mere act of running, and the context, which made me feel like I was flying.

It was weightlessness. To run, without a care in the world. I knew I was out of the pit.

People often give their own definitions to scientific terms, and here's me defining the term 'infinite'.

Infinite is the number of things you can do to enjoy life, at any time, in any circumstances.

The run was an act of passion for my love, the movies. And love needs to be shown, not just felt.

Remember what I said the bar getting raised by the movies I was watching in fast succession? It was hence unfathomable, that any movie could top Rush on the same day. 

"Her" did. It was beautiful.

Infinite is the extent to which you can feel, and live.

No conditions applied.

Peace is Now.

I am at so much peace. It's no surprise I feel like writing now, after such a long time.

Leaning on two pillows propped up on a comfortable bed, I'm living one of my childhood dreams. It's a hotel room, with just me and my stuff in it. Music is playing in full volume on my speakers, and not my earphones. The air conditioning is in my control, just like the music volume, lights and the TV channel.

I don't need my earphones and the app called 'Relax N Sleep' to sleep, for a change. I can sleep whenever I like, and wake up whenever I like, feeling great. 

Whenever I went to hill stations or beaches with my family, I had this crazy fantasy to just lie in my room for a whole day. Away from noise, tourists, pictures - everything.

You, my dear reader, may not understand this, but as disappointing and pathetic as it sounds, this is the first time in many, many years I've felt in total and utter control of my life. 

I realize all this may well be painting me as a sorry ass figure, but fuck that. Fuck that.

My entire life has been about adjusting. To circumstances, to people - to the whole world, wherever I go. I hate myself for it, but I'm one of those people who'd go to any lengths to avoid conflict. Some people can't stand spiders, I can't stand conflict. 95% of my energy goes into putting those conflicts to bay, every single day. Every single fucking day.

But now I realize, after 23 years, that this freedom I'm feeling right now - doesn't come for free. You have to fight for it. Be a doormat, and the world will not only walk over you, it will rub off its dirty shoes on you as well.

I've discovered new, and rediscovered a few friends as well, on this business trip. I marvel at how amazing some people are, really. I marvel more at how much time and energy I spend trying to shake someone's hand by force, and miss out on so many extended hands already outstretched.

It's a whole buffet out there. If the spring roll sucks, trying it with ten different sauces will not change that. Look past that spring roll, and you'll see the garlic bread, fried idli and fruit custard calling out to you, with open arms.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that my hotel stay will end this week, just like everything else. But now is not the time to think about the future. The only time to think about the future, is the future itself. This freedom, this peace, this control - whatever you call it, is in this moment. Quoting about the value of Now is one thing, knowing it is another. Having tasted and felt it in its full force, I feel better prepared for stepping out of this room.
Let tomorrow come.

Aan do.