Wednesday, September 25, 2013

The Price of Benevolence

People often say that the Mumbai local is the lifeline of the city. But since I don't need to travel long distances on a daily basis, I seem to have developed a similar relationship with the Mumbai Auto.

This isn't to say that every single auto-ride is a memorable one. We have a tendency to pay lesser attention to things we do regularly. But the outlier is always lurking close by, unbeknownst to us. This particular anecdote is one of those outliers.

It was an overcast morning, and I was lost in one of my reveries as the auto honked and swerved towards my destination. In a matter of minutes, it was time to alight. The meter read 21 rupees.

"Bhaiyya yeh lo 20 rs. Ek rupiah kam hai, chalega?"
(Here's 20 bucks. Is it okay? I don't have a rupee's change)

"Haan, haan.. chalega"
(Will do.)

And then he started off saying about money and change - I was too self-involved to pay particular attention. But as I was putting back the wallet in my pocket, I kept politely nodding along.

Suddenly, he whipped out all the money he had and showed it to me - whilst I heard the words "mera beta", and "hospital", and "700 rs injection". I could make out the rest, as you can too.

I looked at him properly. I could sense he was flustered when had stopped midway to quickly repair something in the auto.

Instinctively, I pulled out a hundred rupee note and handed it over without reluctance. He fell at my knees, eyes full of tears, with gratitude. I told him to rush to his son and take care of him. And he left.

For the first few seconds, I felt good. As any normal person should, when he/she has been of value someone in need. Great need.

But then I felt a stab of disappointment at myself, and this feeling has persisted.

There was a 500 rupee note in my wallet as well.

I may differ from general consensus here, but I have never really cared much about money. One might say "Who does, as long as it keeps coming?". True, perhaps. I don't count myself a big spender. Nevertheless, at that particular point of time, 500 rupees was not even a pinprick. So why did I hesitate?

There is the possibility, as one might argue - that he was lying. And taking that possibility into account, 100 rupees was probably the right amount. But this was not the the thought process in my head.

I remember seeing a couple or more notes of 100 rupees, and I thought this would suffice. Not for a second did I believe he was lying. Especially not after seeing him break down like that.

How many times do we ignore beggars and peddlers, on the streets and railway stations? How many hundreds of times have we intentionally walked away or shooed them brusquely?

But this was an autowallah. A man with a seemingly honest profession. It would've taken something of monumental importance for him to abandon his self-respect and ask for money.

Then the worst possible thought occurred to me - what if those few hundred rupees was the difference between his son's life and death? Wouldn't it be blood on my hands? True, I am not responsible for his illness - but I was offered the chance to save his life.

I hope you get my meaning here. I'm not the kind of person who would go to orphanages and dedicate my life to making theirs easier. But that doesn't mean I'm not humanitarian.

I don't think it is possible to draw a line on "doing good". Would anything ever be enough? No matter how much you give, there'll be something more you can do. Something more to offer. But I am neither Midas, nor my wallet is of gold.

This feeling - arising out of the eternal difference between people's needs, and our capacities - this guilt - is what I call the price of benevolence.


Wednesday, July 24, 2013

The Silver Lining


Amidst the thickening dark clouds, sometimes all you need to do to find the silver lining - is step outside your office.



Friday, July 12, 2013

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Moments you live for

Okay I'm still trying to soak in what's happened, so this may look like a quick scribble.

Imagine yourself in this situation. Put yourself in Andy Murray's boots, and feel the weight of personal expectations, and 76 years of a nation's expectations.



That day I really felt for him, coming into touching distance of a dream shared by a nation, and seeing it snatched away by the King (Federer) himself.

Now imagine coming back to the same center court exactly a year later, to be giving your winning speech.



Of the billions who have walked this earth, how many people get such an opportunity ? How many get a second chance to rewrite history, with your most beloved ones watching, swelling with fierce pride?

And this is not a shot out of the blue. He defeated Roger Federer to win Gold two weeks after his loss to him at Wimbledon 2012. He won this year's US open.

He is someone who has inched closer and closer to his dream, in baby steps. How much pain and struggle he has gone through for this day - the grandest moment of his life - we can only guess.

Of course, this Wimbledon saw Federer and Nadal bid an early goodbye, but why should that be taken against Murray ? People will keep citing circumstances and this and that - but the way I see it is, he wanted this more badly than anyone else. I don't think anyone can disagree on that count. And he gave it absolutely everything. Beating the world No 1 in straight sets is by no means a mere feat.

Coming to the point though - I'm not from Great Britain. I'm from India. Neither am I such a hardcore tennis fan that I watch every minute of every grand slam. (even though I never miss wimbledon) Which begs to ask the question, why do I care about Andy Murray? This is my answer:

People look for various things around them. Some look for happiness. Some look for laughter. Some look for good company. And some look for love.

I look for inspiration.

I watched Andy Murray break down, and I watched him (on TV) come out of living hell, win and make history. And the winning goes far beyond a Wimbledon title. Love. Respect. Honour. Glory.

These are the things I live for. These are moments I live for. And if not watching someone achieve it all - is that not what inspiration is ?

Andy Murray - you are now a hero to millions of little kids in Great Britain. Add a 23 year old to that as well. Because you know what ?

Everybody needs a hero.




Friday, June 28, 2013

Floodgates

I want to be incredibly selfish for once.

I have no intention of wasting your valuable time, so please stop reading if you are not interested in the finer details of my life.

People have always been saying to me - Kishore, don't care about what others say, or what they would think. Well here you are then. Welcome to my beautiful world.

So today's a Friday. End of the workweek. I literally punched my fist in the air after I was done for the day, even though it wasn't the most hectic of weeks. But it's still the end of the week, and all I want to do is lie in bed, play guitar, read, and study. Not quite the notion of a 23 year old's Friday, you must be thinking. I don't want to meet anyone, go out, drink, watch a movie - or do anything outside my room.

Khichdi, the simplest of dishes had been cooked, much to the disdain of my flatmates. But with curd and homemade pickle, I felt like Russell Crowe in Cast Away on the night he returns from the island. There is such a magic about the simpler things in life. The evening looked promising, with so much me-time. Little did I know what would happen next.



Coldplay's Live 2012 is a movie with a medley of their live performances, and words from all the band members as fillers. I stretched out on my bed, plugged in my earphones, and then the music started. Before long, I was singing it all along with Chris Martin - and with every word, I felt like something was leaving me. Was it fatigue, laziness, who could tell? Just minutes ago I was ready to doze off peacefully, but the power of Chris Martin's words, and Coldplay's music is beyond anything, anything, I have ever felt.

Soon when the filler with Chris's words came, I started to tear up. No, this is not something I do everyday. No, I'm not a baby. No, I'm not a girl.

Yes, I am human.
These were not tears of sadness. This is the purest feeling of being overwhelmed. But then the next song started playing - Fix You.

Chris had written this song for his wife when her father had passed away. But no matter you know that or not, no matter how many times you've already heard it before - a true connoisseur  of music in general will only feel one thing. That it had been written for him. Or her.

And then the floodgates opened.


"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"



I started to remember. 
How my closest friend passed away.
How the people I loved didn't love me back.
How I failed to get into MBA, after giving absolutely everything. 
How all this had happened in a space of a few months.
How badly and desperately I hoped for at least one thing to go right, when there was so much wrong happening.

They kept streaming down my face. Emotions that had been buried under for a while, had been unearthed.

Let me make something very clear. This is not a call for pity, no sir. Spare it for someone else.
Don't you dare start telling me how so many people have it worse. Do NOT remind me of all the things I should be thankful for. 

Of course, it isn't fair to expect everyone to empathize. But I honestly feel let down. Most of you don't waste a second telling me that I over think everything. That I should learn to 'chill' - or whatever the hippies say these days. Then again, most of you have never known true pain. Don't feel sorry for me, be thankful to yourselves.

So it's not really surprising that I choose to spend my time alone these days. I need time to get back into the swing of things. I have been reading a lot, and keeping myself occupied. What is the point of meeting someone who make you feel like an oddity ? They say that the best way to treat  the physically or mentally challenged , is to treat them normally. Why not apply the same logic here ?  People break, time mends. Deal with it. 

Men and women of sub-par intelligence have created a society in which anything unusual is to be despised or frowned upon. That includes freedom of expression on the levels of this post. 
Fine, frown away.
I know what I am.
I am the truth you cannot accept.
I am the magic trick you can't figure out.
I am the one, among the few. 

So despite what may be going through your mind now, know this. I will power through. If this is the worst my life ever was, then I will become the best I can be.

Save your pity - I can fight my own battles.

" Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you "



Saturday, June 15, 2013

The league of extraordinary minds

Life is like a movie. I'm sure this has been quoted already by both the famous and the anonymous. But there's a difference between knowing something, and understanding something. 

Our eyes and thoughts are like the lens of a camera. Some things are always in focus, and the rest out of it. We call this perspective.


For me, incessantly looking for something inspirational is that focus. Inspiration to do what, one might ask. I do not have the answer. Some everyday challenges like walking to the office on a Monday morning, or dealing with people hard to deal with - all the little things that constitute our lives, big and small.


So if I could connect with 5 people on a WeChat group, it would be the people who power my zest of living:


1. Chris Martin: Coldplay is the reason I'm not an atheist. Every single word that Chris Martin utters is like a gentle drizzle of summer rain. His ideologies, some of which are expressed in the movie Live 2012, are so enchanting that I would want him to interact with the most influential minds on earth. He could even come up with a new song or two based on these interactions, which may render everyone else quite speechless.

2. Bruce Wayne: I should specify that I'm referring to the one created by Christopher Nolan. My levels of obsession with Bruce Wayne (platonic, I assure you) supercede all others (which are many, by the way). His selflessness and incorruptibility is something I idolize for myself. And the fact that he became Batman by choice even when he could have led a billionaire's life, is just too overwhelming for me. He simply has to be in this group. It's the dream of the little boy inside me. He would challenge everyone's sense of morality, unleashing his true powers - those which don't need a mask and a cape. 

3. Christopher Nolan: The greatest mind that I know. It can't really get any simpler than that. The inception of every idea will be done by him, and each one of them will fascinate and bewitch the listeners. He would be the one to take a thought to imperceptible levels. The point is to challenge everyone's limits, because it may lead to the creation of something even greater.




4. Ayn Rand: There has to be one female in the group who pounces all these male egos with her high heels of intellect. And who better than the late creator of Atlas Shrugged and The fountainhead. Of course she herself may get overhauled and be forced to write something against objectivism - again, it's beyond the limits that gets things cooking.




5. Gandalf: Finally, before the whole matter gets out of
hand and people leave the group, there has to be someone to put his foot down and bring a sense of calm to all. A moderator. He may not even completely comprehend the ongoing war of words, but the voice of the white wizard will do the trick anyway. 


This league of extraordinary minds could help me answer questions about God, morality and purpose. Perhaps one or two would prefer talking about something else, but hey - this is my game, I make the rules. I would ask who they looked up to, when they stumbled and fell, just as I look up to them today. They would understand that this is not a guy looking for secrets to success - but someone who wants to go places, and needs a helping hand to climb out of the pit of darkness like Bruce Wayne, and the courage to run like the wind, again.





WeChatIndia's youtube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/WeChatIndia?feature=chclk







Saturday, May 4, 2013

Being Pisapati

Train journeys are marked by experiences where you end up talking to a stranger like a long lost friend, often without even knowing their first name.
And I'm sure we all know that person in the office, or in college who we wave to and say 'Hi!' every time we see him/her, and later scratch our heads and think - "I really ought to find out his/her name".

William Shakespeare once said, "What's in a name?". I think if his name was William Pisapati he would beg to differ.


Quite a few experiences throughout my life have been the result of carrying the surname Pisapati. For those who don't know, the name doesn't mean anything. It is said to be derived from a village's name in Andhra Pradesh. No need to memorize - I think quizzers and interviewers have better things to ask. Unless, and that's a BIG unless a) you are a Pisapati or b) you plan on getting married to me someday.


Here are the nominees for the fondest bittersweet memories of the name, 'Pisapati':


1. The Slap:  It is the year.. okay I don't know the exact year. But I'm fairly sure it was either class 3 or 4. Those were the days when there was no Friends or Big Bang Theory to laugh about, and surnames like mine were just perfect.


We were standing in a queue in our first Art class, when our teacher was handing out sketch books. My turn came, and she asked, "Name?". "Pisapati Kishore". The girl standing directly behind me broke into a fit of giggles. The next thing she knew, the teacher had given her a sound slap. My somber face was enough to hide my satisfaction. 


Of course, we were all kids - so in the offhand chance she is reading this - I FORGIVE YOU, child. No hard feelings.


2. Scientific Unit: This is not a memory in particular, but when I studied science in school and came across names like Newton, Joule etc - I made a mental note to myself, that if ever I was to become a scientist, and somehow discover a new scientific quantity to be measured - I would make the unit 'Pisapati'. Then the whole world would've to get used to it.


Don't laugh. I'm not ruling out the possibility. I can make the future of generations of kids to come, a little less comfortable.


3. And the laughter died: I had just moved from Gujarat to Noida. It is my first day of 10th class in KV Noida. The roll call concludes, and the class teacher announces that there are two new students in the class: "Pisapati Kishore?" 

"Yes Ma'am", came a small voice from the last desk. Sniggers could be heard all over the class. I was quite obviously red-faced.
"Kishore, you stood first in your school in 9th Class?"
"Yes Ma'am". The voice came from a swelled chest this time.

The laughter had stopped.


Of course, the so called achievement seems insignificant now, but back then it was sufficient to wipe off the sneers.


4. Mathematics: Just when I thought I'd seen the end of jibes on my name, the new math teacher arrived. One day, he noticed my full name, and said, "Pisapati. Yeh kaisa naam hai bhai? Iska matlab hai - jo aadmi pisa hua hai !"


Laughter. Smiling with the crowd, and suppressing the seething rage within, was a herculean task. I was on the verge of making fun of his name as well, which in all fairness was equally funny.


By the end of the year, he was telling other teachers proudly - "Yeh Kishore hai. Bohot hoshiyar ladka hai. Brilliant student"


I think I was the best.


Today I don't feel any resentment towards the name, or the people who laugh at it. It has become a signature of my uniqueness, and it sticks to people's memories.

Enough for now. Off to wipe a few more, and plant a lot more smiles.


Pisapati and proud.




Tuesday, April 9, 2013

The Power Of Randomness

In one of my daydreams I've seen myself writing a book with the same title as this post. But like SRK says, kal ho na ho. Forgive me for not having a better quote.

How many times, my friends, have you associated something with luck? An average person would tend to believe atleast five of his friends who've 'made it' in life (whatever the hell that means), have had a fair share of luck.

What is luck, after all? A random event occurring in your favor? I think that's the popular opinion. And here's what I think..

As a kid I used to say I don't believe in luck, and as an adult I often claim I believe in randomness. There's a very subtle difference.

In my opinion, all wisdom starts from accepting that you're highly ignorant. Human beings have always justified ends from means. But nothing we say can be accepted as a timeless truth, where by timeless I imply something that is, always has been, and always will be valid.

Going by that assumption (since calling it truth would lead to a self-contradiction or a paradox), it comes to accepting the fact that, there are a great many things in this universe outside our control.
Mike Tyson once quoted - "Everybody makes plans, until they get punched in the face."

Ask yourself, how many instances can you recall having gone exactly as you planned? 

This, my friends, is called randomness. It is something that happens, seemingly out of place. When it looks to have advantaged someone's predicament, we call it good fortune. Otherwise we call it bad luck.

So luck is ultimately just a perception of the consequences of the occurrence of a random event.

Let me give you an example. I'm sure you've heard of the term negative publicity. Sometimes movies get famous (or infamous in this case) because they happen to hurt religious sentiments of a particular community. This inadvertently sometimes leads to greater anticipation for the crowds, and the movie ends up making more money than it estimated.

Here, before the movie was officially released, this event would've counted as bad luck. They could not foresee a certain scene affecting a certain group of people. But it did. What they cannot foresee, is whether the movie will ultimately be released or not. It is beyond their control. And depending on how this outside factor acts, the reaction to that scene will get labelled as good or bad luck.

If someone gets sent off in a football match, the team is considered disadvantaged, no matter how good the team is. But in some cases the sending off arouses the ten man team to perform even better, and they go on and win the game.

So what I'm trying to say is, there is no count of how many things are actually outside our control, but that does not change the fact that the perception is still upto us. People often use the phrase 'a blessing in disguise.'
"I make my own luck" - Harvey Dent, from The Dark Knight.


All of us tend to think of the immediate consequence of an event, but no one can foresee how something can change our lives forever. We tend to get depressed when the love of our life doesn't reciprocate the feelings. Or when we get rejected in interviews. This brings me to the idea of Hope.

Hope, is the belief that the consequences of the randomness around us, will somehow benefit us in the long run. That no matter how colossally our plans fail, there is something good at the end of it. 

And ironically, it is perfectly okay to hope, because of randomness. 

As a kid, Sidney Sheldon tried to commit suicide when he was 17. His father, having forgotten something (random event), walks back to the apartment and catches him in the act. Or more appropriately, before it. And this is what he tells him. 

'Life is like a novel. It's filled with suspense. You have no idea what is going to happen until you turn the page.'

I don't know a better line which captures the beauty of randomness. Having read his autobiography, Sidney Sheldon's life from that moment went on to live one of the most possibly enriched and envied lives.

I would like to give the readers the same advice. Many times in life, people will reject you. Events of heartbreaking capacity will happen to you, make no mistake. But imagine the opposite. Imagine things inexplicably swinging in your favor. Imagine all your dreams coming to life.

People or events don't intend to make you or break you. NOBODY can take the power of choice from you. The choice to hope or to dismay.

Embrace the power of randomness. A power that will make you laugh heartily at every unexpected event, man, woman or child who seem to think they decide your future.

A power that you can wield, to live life beyond your wildest dreams.



"Remember, Red. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."

- The Shawshank Redemption.



Sunday, February 17, 2013

Peace is Now.

I am at so much peace. It's no surprise I feel like writing now, after such a long time.

Leaning on two pillows propped up on a comfortable bed, I'm living one of my childhood dreams. It's a hotel room, with just me and my stuff in it. Music is playing in full volume on my speakers, and not my earphones. The air conditioning is in my control, just like the music volume, lights and the TV channel.

I don't need my earphones and the app called 'Relax N Sleep' to sleep, for a change. I can sleep whenever I like, and wake up whenever I like, feeling great. 

Whenever I went to hill stations or beaches with my family, I had this crazy fantasy to just lie in my room for a whole day. Away from noise, tourists, pictures - everything.

You, my dear reader, may not understand this, but as disappointing and pathetic as it sounds, this is the first time in many, many years I've felt in total and utter control of my life. 

I realize all this may well be painting me as a sorry ass figure, but fuck that. Fuck that.

My entire life has been about adjusting. To circumstances, to people - to the whole world, wherever I go. I hate myself for it, but I'm one of those people who'd go to any lengths to avoid conflict. Some people can't stand spiders, I can't stand conflict. 95% of my energy goes into putting those conflicts to bay, every single day. Every single fucking day.

But now I realize, after 23 years, that this freedom I'm feeling right now - doesn't come for free. You have to fight for it. Be a doormat, and the world will not only walk over you, it will rub off its dirty shoes on you as well.



I've discovered new, and rediscovered a few friends as well, on this business trip. I marvel at how amazing some people are, really. I marvel more at how much time and energy I spend trying to shake someone's hand by force, and miss out on so many extended hands already outstretched.

It's a whole buffet out there. If the spring roll sucks, trying it with ten different sauces will not change that. Look past that spring roll, and you'll see the garlic bread, fried idli and fruit custard calling out to you, with open arms.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that my hotel stay will end this week, just like everything else. But now is not the time to think about the future. The only time to think about the future, is the future itself. This freedom, this peace, this control - whatever you call it, is in this moment. Quoting about the value of Now is one thing, knowing it is another. Having tasted and felt it in its full force, I feel better prepared for stepping out of this room.
Let tomorrow come.

Aan do.